Matchblog plans thwarted

For now anyway.. looks like I'm in a relationship of sorts. You know.. the kind where you actually refer to each other as girlfriend and boyfriend, complain when you don't see each other more than twice a week, and feel you have obligations on valentine's day. Its very early.. almost neonate, but yet established. So I guess this is where the blog has a temporary hiatus despite its short life. I haven't been on match.com for over a month now, and subsequently haven't received any emails from ,randoms. Similarly I've almost abandoned my match friends.

To be honest, this relationship has come at the worst time.. ie I was hoping to jump country for a year later this year. I don't plan to change those plans either!

We're seeing how it all goes anyway.. well so much for match.com. I was unsuccessful in finding anyone on there, well, I did find one person who I met up with whilst I started seeing Not from Match Guy, and he was a definite potential, but i had to make a choice. I'm not a fan of simultaneous dating.

So until I restart on the match train.. or if this relationship ends, you'll hear from me. I could also continue to ponder the workings of a relationship, but that will be for another blog I believe..

Not from Match Guy - Friend with Benefits?

I met this guy whilst on match but from different website, a few months ago, as I was getting fairly bored with the men on match after a few weeks.. (yes I'm fickle!). It was free to signup to the site for girls.. but it was one of those sites for people who wanted no strings attached sex, or exhibitionists who love taking photos of their genitalia to display to all in the world.

He did not have a genitalia photo, but was in a relationship (something I overlooked at the time.. or didn't even acknowledge fully). I randomly invited him out whilst some friends from abroad were visiting town, we had a few drinks, I ended up going back to his for a platonic chat and slept in the spare room. There was not much in the way of flirting, or even chemistry as far as I was aware. Yet after leaving and expecting not to see him again, he contacted me via email and text and we entered a very casual emailing schedule whereby months passed and not much was said. Closer to christmas, contact was established and we spent some more platonic time together, but ended up just staying at his and watching tv. Unfortunately this lead to a prolonged intimate moment beyond what was expected from my part and from people who just wanted sex. There was no sex in fact. Just a lot of foreplay, hugging and talking. During the talking I was reminded of his current relationship with his girlfriend, thus took the step back approach and left with the intention not to communicate with him any further.

Despite this he continued (gently) to persue me with a few texts and emails which I casually responded to on occasion. After the holidays he made an announcement he'd split up with his long-term girlfriend. Apparently had nothing to do with me, which I'm sure was the truth, yet could not help feeling that I was the driving force because he was genuinely interested in me. It was after that I was asked out to a cultural experience in London, more time spent, more feelings developed, more discussion, more time spent and before you knew it, we're wondering how to label our relationship without making it sound too formal or too crude. Having just exited a long term relationship he suggested we see each other as much or as little as we wanted rather than taking either of the two extremes. I was very happy with this plan. But now, just over a week later, it's taken another level whereby we're constantly re-evaluating our relationship because we know its something more.. I don't know.. whatever it is, i'm sure its not the end of this blog. I've been pushing for either 'no label' or just friends because its' simple, but when introducing each other to people and them subsequently asking who they are and questioning why your faces are stuck together all the time, its kinda difficult to explain.

Not from Match guy is not typically my type, yet I'm fundamentally attracted to him. His personality is beyond some bounds I'm used to, but he always (too often sometimes) presents a debate, challenge and humour that I do thrive on. I must say I feel I've calmed down a bit since meeting him, or at least around him. Anyway, we shall see how it goes.. suggested labels for our relationship include 'Friends that Fuck' (which I think rather crude and just for the booty call couples), or 'Friends with Benefits', which are essentially the same I think, but perhaps with a bit more friendship involved.



Not from Match guy is neither to me. He's a step further.. pre-relationship friend perhaps. There's a suggestion my feelings are so strong because I'm pussy whipped..

The hazards of serial dating

Serial dating describes a process whereby an individual goes from one date to another in succession without giving the previous date sufficient time to make an informed decision as to whether it is worth persuing a relationship. Serial daters will be thinking about their next date whilst on one with another person. I have learned it is probably best to give it two dates in order to confirm or deny, but in practice so far I've either made it to one or 4 (where it then crashes and burns also!).

So what happens if you don't quite acknowledge that you're 'dating' per se and you end up liking two individuals simultaneously. Some people practice this and continue happily without informing either party, yet others are somewhat uncomfortable with this practice. I am the latter.

Since last updating you readers, I have been on one new date and a few further dates with another person. The problem was that I didn't realise they were dates until feelings got in the way; it was supposed to be simply friends hanging out. This guy isn't even from match.com and I wasn't interested in him several months before, so why now?!

I was in the midst of arranging a casual first date with this new person as it overlapped with the progression of the further dates guy.. which I should just call, the "Not from Match" guy. New guy (now named New Rock Guy), is out of my age range I specified on match (I'm staying away from people 35+..not because I'm agist, but I've been there already and its never ending in any fun!), yet seemed to be quite genuine, a bundle of laughs and quite high on the chemistry/ compatibility ratings. We even ended up kissing at the end of the date (accidentally on my part), so hence now feeling exceptionally guilty like I'd cheated on Not from Match guy, despite us not being in an actual formally committed mutually exclusive relationship.

TodayI spent a few uncomfortable minutes explaining to New Rock Guy, my situation, which was definitely PGed up a bit. Played down the other date, but informed that i was thinking of leaving the country for a bit (which is actually true), so would be unfair to start a relationship now. Yes.. bummer.. but I made that decision a bit too late.. so what the hell am I doing screwing around with people's feelings on match?? I guess I wasn't totally sure whether I was going and vaguely hoping someone might come with.

So, back to the hazards of serial dating; you find yourself with two or more good potentials at once. Do you remain honest with all of them about the situation or keep all in the dark at all times until you commit to one? I remember I had a 'friend' or acquaintance who dated, or even having full blown relationships with 3 girls simultaneously. Very very unfortunate and dishonest... Its best to be honest from the start.. don't be afraid of offending someone with the truth because lies will taint your relationship even more. I personally was and kinda still am very uncomfortable with the situation, despite informing New Rock Guy, who took it quite well and even implied we could still hang out etc etc.

Serial daters, (I would say I am possibly one) are either insecure or just very impatient. I was probably both, but I've learned that best things come when you least expect it, are generally free and very very good in bed.

Unexpected encounter

I was exiting a cinema with friends a few days ago having watched 'Its' Complicated' with Meryl Streep, Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin.

There is a scene in the film where one of Meryl's friends says,

"I have my date from match.com that I don't want, do you want him?"

It instigated a few laughs on our part due to my experiences thus far. We were discussing this on the way out when suddenly I caught the eye of someone in the queue for the cinema; it was clever travel guy.

Why is it, out of all the people I have dated, I had to bump into the one person who I didn't call back or reply to text messages... karma is definitely a bitch!

I walked up to him (it would have been stupid not to as we were both staring at each other), and instigated a friendly conversation, completely avoiding the fact I hadn't responded to any of his messages. Conversation lasted a few minutes, then I politely made my excuses and left.

Oh..horror!! What are the odds??

And in another reflective moment; what does it mean when someone takes a week to respond to your message.. yes.. a week. I'd effectively given up on him, moved on etc etc, so it was completely unexpected when the message appeared on my email. I hadn't engaged in any match.com stalking to see whether he'd been on the sites soI have no idea what happened in between.. anyway, watch this space..

?Waiting for the chemistry? Another first date..

You could argue I've now officially made it to first date whoredom. Despite being christmas holidays I've still managed to squeeze in another first date, a second date and a random rendevous with someone i met going to a first date. Is it cos I is bored??

Perhaps.. but maybe I'm still trying to perfect what's right. I've read in other blogs, articles, that one should date as many as possible to try and find the right one.

My first date last week culminated in a kiss.. a brief encounter interrupted by a bus arriving. A small awkward moment involved him asking whether I wanted to come back to his. When a guy asks a girl this it means a few possibilities;

1) He thinks you're easy and you're up for sex
2) He really likes you and his sex drive is rampant (and number 1)
3) He thinks you're easy and you're up for sex

Rule number one for a lady is not to have sex on a first date. This means your power has dissipated.. what else in your enigma do you have to offer. I declined and bus-sed it home, but he contacted me by text to ask whether I got home safely enough. However it took two days for further contact and now its a bit.. dry to say the least. Although he expressed we should meet again there will be a gap due to other committments, so now I'm up in the air.

I've had one second date so far and about four first dates. There are 2 promises of further second dates and, well i stupidly promised one of my first dates that we should go out again but didn't respond to any further communication. So much for my honesty..

Back to the most recent date culminating in a kiss, we broke another date rule of getting drunk. Well it was all drinks and cocktails, and perhaps this was a factor in his offering at the end of the night. I wasn't so drunk due to previous drinking the night before, but as I had quite a bit maybe he thought i was loose and ready?

And my next speculation is about chemistry. Am I not making many first dates because I'm simply too fickle and after instant passion fix. This backfired after first date number one. Is chemistry something that is natural, or will grow on a tree into a blossom. This takes time.

My intentions are to explore this theory. My expectations are minimal.

First date rules..

I don't believe in rules for things like this. What happens, happens. However I do believe in guidelines which are essential for maintaining dating tradition, culture and perhaps some degree of success setting you up for date number two.

I embarked on a first date a few days ago with somebody I'd been casually emailing for up to 4 weeks or so. It was all anonymous apart from the very last second when i felt that without any contact details it would be difficult if either of us were delayed for any reason to inform the other. So I offered up my number.. this was me exposing myself post psychopath, so I was a little tentative.. unnecessarily i think. Luckily he promptly responded with his.

Well, lets got through some suggested rules from a variety of websites, and how our date fared according to these;

1. Do not talk about any of your personal problems. This is not appropriate with someone you hardly know. Don Diebel: First Date Rules

I completely agree as I find this really off putting. I'd been speaking to someone else I'd met through match who hinted several times that he was having personal, financial and such problems which was affecting some things. He didn't go into detail. I didn't ask, yet it sounded like he wanted to offload. Its fine to have problems. Heck.. its weird if you don't. But its always too early to share! Going back to my date, I don't think any real problems were revealed, except for a nice mutual discussion about eczema flare ups in this freezing weather.

2. Be curious about her (/him) - Askmen.com

Thought we both expressed equal curiosity in each other. There were no long one sided monologues..

3. Be Punctual

I've been somewhat earlier than my dates on all of them so far, which is unusual for me because I tend to leave it about 10-15 minutes late. Despite me being earlier than my date, he still arrived 5 minutes early, so there were no real issues there. Punctuality is essential. Appropriate excuses including transport delay which is fairly acceptable unless they were part of planned engineering works. It is always important to inform beforehand.

4. DON'T talk about your ex. - Marie Claire

Well, no exes per se were discussed, however unfortunately I did give him a brief insight into who I'd actually met on match.com which probably wasn't a great idea as I sounded like a veteran dater.. which i probably am turning into. I've learnt from my previous dating experiences as to not talk about your heartbreak in previous relationships.. at least until you can see yourself with this guy for longer than a month!!

5. DO talk about religion and politics. - Marie Claire again

Well, I didn't bring up politics specifically, but religion always comes hand in hand. It started when I described my mum's religion and then began to explore his beliefs on such. I believe he found this discussion a bit too heavy, especially in his post-meal mode. Perhaps not such a good idea.

7. Eye contact is crucial, and it's good etiquette to give your date as much of your attention as possible. They should feel like they are the only person in the room. Do not use a date as an excuse for general partying.- Top Dating Tips

Eye contact maintained throughout. Felt very comfortable. Did not feel like I was partying. When communicating with anybody, whether at work, in the street, so forth I always practice the art of eye contact because it is sincere, you appear to be more honest and genuine. People who do not maintain eye contact (alike dropped guy), may have something to hide..


8. First Dates Should Be Affordable - About.Com
In contrast to a guy offering me fine dining and SaTC shopping as the first date (I declined), I'm always up for a laid back, get to know you session. I was given the option of choosing a location and I chose somewhere central, vaguely trendy, but still fairly affordable. Affordability is essentially for the man's benefit.. as the rule has been since the beginning of time is that men always pay for the first date. I was really uncomfortable with this rule and still feel a bit fidgity when the bill arrives, yet i just do not comment until he pays and then thank him. The note is, its expected, acceptable, and does not make you a tightwad.. I'm not too clear on what the rules are for the second date are however... I was going out with a guy earlier this year who seemed relatively comfortable paying for most things including champagne, etc, until after about two months he blew up at me about how I expected him to pay for most things when i was aware of his poor financial state. I was particularly upset about this as he was quite a bit older than me and it was his responsibility to say otherwise! Not mine!
So back to my date.. it was all paid for. Few drinks, then a meal. I was sweetly appreciative. In fact I think one would be offended if it wasn't paid for by the man. I'm not sure what happens in homosexual encounters.. someone enlighten me??


9. Plan to keep the first date short. Little Red Rails
Well, I never book myself to do anything after a date as you never know how it will fare. If it is going badly, there are several plausible excuses you can use. As long as you don't reveal to your date prior to the date itself that you're completely open til whenever time, however you can do this during the date if you feel its going well.
I expressed this to my date after an hour or so, but after saying so I realised that it seemed like i was perhaps too available and expecting to stay out all night. Luckily the date lasted approximately 4 hours which was fairly respectable. Perhaps not that short, yet I still felt within my comfort zone.

10. Always open the door for your female date, men!! - Nevaeh Charlie
Guys.. if you ever remember one thing.. always offer to open the door for your date! Its traditional and respected and you can never go wrong. Don't overdo it.. just be natural. Its worse when you DON'T do it. My date didn't on several occasions, and neither did my previous one. Yes I know its 21st century, but its a big black mark in my book. Simply courtesy marks the beginning of most healthy relationships.

Well, in general. My date went well. Almost textbook. And he even mailed me the next day, but with not much mention on whether he enjoyed his date or not which is slightly peculiar. We shall see...

Decent proposal?

A guy who'd been sniffing round my profile for the past few months actually emailed me basically offering me the chance to go shopping associated with several Sex and the City. Also offered fine wine dining and such.

Is this what all girls want these days? Informally I enjoy shopping on my own, and like to be taken to restaurants, but not the pretentious ones who focus on presentation rather than taste and overcharge for the privilege. Essentially we'd love it if our men took us on these trips, but as an offer from a complete stranger? Whenever money is involved, there is a tie.. its almost as if you owe someone and do you want that on your conscience?

Turns out quite a few girls do.. i emailed back asking how many people he had sent that to. His answer? It was a serious offer..