Matchblog

Matchblog plans thwarted

2010-02-23T01:16:00.003Z

For now anyway.. looks like I'm in a relationship of sorts. You know.. the kind where you actually refer to each other as girlfriend and boyfriend, complain when you don't see each other more than twice a week, and feel you have obligations on valentine's day. Its very early.. almost neonate, but yet established. So I guess this is where the blog has a temporary hiatus despite its short life. I haven't been on match.com for over a month now, and subsequently haven't received any emails from ,randoms. Similarly I've almost abandoned my match friends.

To be honest, this relationship has come at the worst time.. ie I was hoping to jump country for a year later this year. I don't plan to change those plans either!

We're seeing how it all goes anyway.. well so much for match.com. I was unsuccessful in finding anyone on there, well, I did find one person who I met up with whilst I started seeing Not from Match Guy, and he was a definite potential, but i had to make a choice. I'm not a fan of simultaneous dating.

So until I restart on the match train.. or if this relationship ends, you'll hear from me. I could also continue to ponder the workings of a relationship, but that will be for another blog I believe..

Not from Match Guy - Friend with Benefits?

2010-01-31T20:24:00.008Z

I met this guy whilst on match but from different website, a few months ago, as I was getting fairly bored with the men on match after a few weeks.. (yes I'm fickle!). It was free to signup to the site for girls.. but it was one of those sites for people who wanted no strings attached sex, or exhibitionists who love taking photos of their genitalia to display to all in the world.

He did not have a genitalia photo, but was in a relationship (something I overlooked at the time.. or didn't even acknowledge fully). I randomly invited him out whilst some friends from abroad were visiting town, we had a few drinks, I ended up going back to his for a platonic chat and slept in the spare room. There was not much in the way of flirting, or even chemistry as far as I was aware. Yet after leaving and expecting not to see him again, he contacted me via email and text and we entered a very casual emailing schedule whereby months passed and not much was said. Closer to christmas, contact was established and we spent some more platonic time together, but ended up just staying at his and watching tv. Unfortunately this lead to a prolonged intimate moment beyond what was expected from my part and from people who just wanted sex. There was no sex in fact. Just a lot of foreplay, hugging and talking. During the talking I was reminded of his current relationship with his girlfriend, thus took the step back approach and left with the intention not to communicate with him any further.

Despite this he continued (gently) to persue me with a few texts and emails which I casually responded to on occasion. After the holidays he made an announcement he'd split up with his long-term girlfriend. Apparently had nothing to do with me, which I'm sure was the truth, yet could not help feeling that I was the driving force because he was genuinely interested in me. It was after that I was asked out to a cultural experience in London, more time spent, more feelings developed, more discussion, more time spent and before you knew it, we're wondering how to label our relationship without making it sound too formal or too crude. Having just exited a long term relationship he suggested we see each other as much or as little as we wanted rather than taking either of the two extremes. I was very happy with this plan. But now, just over a week later, it's taken another level whereby we're constantly re-evaluating our relationship because we know its something more.. I don't know.. whatever it is, i'm sure its not the end of this blog. I've been pushing for either 'no label' or just friends because its' simple, but when introducing each other to people and them subsequently asking who they are and questioning why your faces are stuck together all the time, its kinda difficult to explain.

Not from Match guy is not typically my type, yet I'm fundamentally attracted to him. His personality is beyond some bounds I'm used to, but he always (too often sometimes) presents a debate, challenge and humour that I do thrive on. I must say I feel I've calmed down a bit since meeting him, or at least around him. Anyway, we shall see how it goes.. suggested labels for our relationship include 'Friends that Fuck' (which I think rather crude and just for the booty call couples), or 'Friends with Benefits', which are essentially the same I think, but perhaps with a bit more friendship involved.

Not from Match guy is neither to me. He's a step further.. pre-relationship friend perhaps. There's a suggestion my feelings are so strong because I'm pussy whipped..

The hazards of serial dating

2010-01-31T20:04:00.002Z

Serial dating describes a process whereby an individual goes from one date to another in succession without giving the previous date sufficient time to make an informed decision as to whether it is worth persuing a relationship. Serial daters will be thinking about their next date whilst on one with another person. I have learned it is probably best to give it two dates in order to confirm or deny, but in practice so far I've either made it to one or 4 (where it then crashes and burns also!).

So what happens if you don't quite acknowledge that you're 'dating' per se and you end up liking two individuals simultaneously. Some people practice this and continue happily without informing either party, yet others are somewhat uncomfortable with this practice. I am the latter.

Since last updating you readers, I have been on one new date and a few further dates with another person. The problem was that I didn't realise they were dates until feelings got in the way; it was supposed to be simply friends hanging out. This guy isn't even from match.com and I wasn't interested in him several months before, so why now?!

I was in the midst of arranging a casual first date with this new person as it overlapped with the progression of the further dates guy.. which I should just call, the "Not from Match" guy. New guy (now named New Rock Guy), is out of my age range I specified on match (I'm staying away from people 35+..not because I'm agist, but I've been there already and its never ending in any fun!), yet seemed to be quite genuine, a bundle of laughs and quite high on the chemistry/ compatibility ratings. We even ended up kissing at the end of the date (accidentally on my part), so hence now feeling exceptionally guilty like I'd cheated on Not from Match guy, despite us not being in an actual formally committed mutually exclusive relationship.

TodayI spent a few uncomfortable minutes explaining to New Rock Guy, my situation, which was definitely PGed up a bit. Played down the other date, but informed that i was thinking of leaving the country for a bit (which is actually true), so would be unfair to start a relationship now. Yes.. bummer.. but I made that decision a bit too late.. so what the hell am I doing screwing around with people's feelings on match?? I guess I wasn't totally sure whether I was going and vaguely hoping someone might come with.

So, back to the hazards of serial dating; you find yourself with two or more good potentials at once. Do you remain honest with all of them about the situation or keep all in the dark at all times until you commit to one? I remember I had a 'friend' or acquaintance who dated, or even having full blown relationships with 3 girls simultaneously. Very very unfortunate and dishonest... Its best to be honest from the start.. don't be afraid of offending someone with the truth because lies will taint your relationship even more. I personally was and kinda still am very uncomfortable with the situation, despite informing New Rock Guy, who took it quite well and even implied we could still hang out etc etc.

Serial daters, (I would say I am possibly one) are either insecure or just very impatient. I was probably both, but I've learned that best things come when you least expect it, are generally free and very very good in bed.

Unexpected encounter

2010-01-11T05:50:00.002Z

I was exiting a cinema with friends a few days ago having watched 'Its' Complicated' with Meryl Streep, Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin.

There is a scene in the film where one of Meryl's friends says,

"I have my date from match.com that I don't want, do you want him?"

It instigated a few laughs on our part due to my experiences thus far. We were discussing this on the way out when suddenly I caught the eye of someone in the queue for the cinema; it was clever travel guy.

Why is it, out of all the people I have dated, I had to bump into the one person who I didn't call back or reply to text messages... karma is definitely a bitch!

I walked up to him (it would have been stupid not to as we were both staring at each other), and instigated a friendly conversation, completely avoiding the fact I hadn't responded to any of his messages. Conversation lasted a few minutes, then I politely made my excuses and left.

Oh..horror!! What are the odds??

And in another reflective moment; what does it mean when someone takes a week to respond to your message.. yes.. a week. I'd effectively given up on him, moved on etc etc, so it was completely unexpected when the message appeared on my email. I hadn't engaged in any match.com stalking to see whether he'd been on the sites soI have no idea what happened in between.. anyway, watch this space..

?Waiting for the chemistry? Another first date..

2010-01-03T06:14:00.002Z

You could argue I've now officially made it to first date whoredom. Despite being christmas holidays I've still managed to squeeze in another first date, a second date and a random rendevous with someone i met going to a first date. Is it cos I is bored??

Perhaps.. but maybe I'm still trying to perfect what's right. I've read in other blogs, articles, that one should date as many as possible to try and find the right one.

My first date last week culminated in a kiss.. a brief encounter interrupted by a bus arriving. A small awkward moment involved him asking whether I wanted to come back to his. When a guy asks a girl this it means a few possibilities;

1) He thinks you're easy and you're up for sex
2) He really likes you and his sex drive is rampant (and number 1)
3) He thinks you're easy and you're up for sex

Rule number one for a lady is not to have sex on a first date. This means your power has dissipated.. what else in your enigma do you have to offer. I declined and bus-sed it home, but he contacted me by text to ask whether I got home safely enough. However it took two days for further contact and now its a bit.. dry to say the least. Although he expressed we should meet again there will be a gap due to other committments, so now I'm up in the air.

I've had one second date so far and about four first dates. There are 2 promises of further second dates and, well i stupidly promised one of my first dates that we should go out again but didn't respond to any further communication. So much for my honesty..

Back to the most recent date culminating in a kiss, we broke another date rule of getting drunk. Well it was all drinks and cocktails, and perhaps this was a factor in his offering at the end of the night. I wasn't so drunk due to previous drinking the night before, but as I had quite a bit maybe he thought i was loose and ready?

And my next speculation is about chemistry. Am I not making many first dates because I'm simply too fickle and after instant passion fix. This backfired after first date number one. Is chemistry something that is natural, or will grow on a tree into a blossom. This takes time.

My intentions are to explore this theory. My expectations are minimal.

First date rules..

2009-12-22T14:14:00.004Z

I don't believe in rules for things like this. What happens, happens. However I do believe in guidelines which are essential for maintaining dating tradition, culture and perhaps some degree of success setting you up for date number two.

I embarked on a first date a few days ago with somebody I'd been casually emailing for up to 4 weeks or so. It was all anonymous apart from the very last second when i felt that without any contact details it would be difficult if either of us were delayed for any reason to inform the other. So I offered up my number.. this was me exposing myself post psychopath, so I was a little tentative.. unnecessarily i think. Luckily he promptly responded with his.

Well, lets got through some suggested rules from a variety of websites, and how our date fared according to these;

1. Do not talk about any of your personal problems. This is not appropriate with someone you hardly know. Don Diebel: First Date Rules

I completely agree as I find this really off putting. I'd been speaking to someone else I'd met through match who hinted several times that he was having personal, financial and such problems which was affecting some things. He didn't go into detail. I didn't ask, yet it sounded like he wanted to offload. Its fine to have problems. Heck.. its weird if you don't. But its always too early to share! Going back to my date, I don't think any real problems were revealed, except for a nice mutual discussion about eczema flare ups in this freezing weather.

2. Be curious about her (/him) - Askmen.com

Thought we both expressed equal curiosity in each other. There were no long one sided monologues..

3. Be Punctual

I've been somewhat earlier than my dates on all of them so far, which is unusual for me because I tend to leave it about 10-15 minutes late. Despite me being earlier than my date, he still arrived 5 minutes early, so there were no real issues there. Punctuality is essential. Appropriate excuses including transport delay which is fairly acceptable unless they were part of planned engineering works. It is always important to inform beforehand.

4. DON'T talk about your ex. - Marie Claire

Well, no exes per se were discussed, however unfortunately I did give him a brief insight into who I'd actually met on match.com which probably wasn't a great idea as I sounded like a veteran dater.. which i probably am turning into. I've learnt from my previous dating experiences as to not talk about your heartbreak in previous relationships.. at least until you can see yourself with this guy for longer than a month!!

5. DO talk about religion and politics. - Marie Claire again

Well, I didn't bring up politics specifically, but religion always comes hand in hand. It started when I described my mum's religion and then began to explore his beliefs on such. I believe he found this discussion a bit too heavy, especially in his post-meal mode. Perhaps not such a good idea.

7. Eye contact is crucial, and it's good etiquette to give your date as much of your attention as possible. They should feel like they are the only person in the room. Do not use a date as an excuse for general partying.- Top Dating Tips

Eye contact maintained throughout. Felt very comfortable. Did not feel like I was partying. When communicating with anybody, whether at work, in the street, so forth I always practice the art of eye contact because it is sincere, you appear to be more honest and genuine. People who do not maintain eye contact (alike dropped guy), may have something to hide..

8. First Dates Should Be Affordable - About.Com
In contrast to a guy offering me fine dining and SaTC shopping as the first date (I declined), I'm always up for a laid back, get to know you session. I was given the option of choosing a location and I chose somewhere central, vaguely trendy, but still fairly affordable. Affordability is essentially for the man's benefit.. as the rule has been since the beginning of time is that men always pay for the first date. I was really uncomfortable with this rule and still feel a bit fidgity when the bill arrives, yet i just do not comment until he pays and then thank him. The note is, its expected, acceptable, and does not make you a tightwad.. I'm not too clear on what the rules are for the second date are however... I was going out with a guy earlier this year who seemed relatively comfortable paying for most things including champagne, etc, until after about two months he blew up at me about how I expected him to pay for most things when i was aware of his poor financial state. I was particularly upset about this as he was quite a bit older than me and it was his responsibility to say otherwise! Not mine!
So back to my date.. it was all paid for. Few drinks, then a meal. I was sweetly appreciative. In fact I think one would be offended if it wasn't paid for by the man. I'm not sure what happens in homosexual encounters.. someone enlighten me??

9. Plan to keep the first date short. Little Red Rails
Well, I never book myself to do anything after a date as you never know how it will fare. If it is going badly, there are several plausible excuses you can use. As long as you don't reveal to your date prior to the date itself that you're completely open til whenever time, however you can do this during the date if you feel its going well.
I expressed this to my date after an hour or so, but after saying so I realised that it seemed like i was perhaps too available and expecting to stay out all night. Luckily the date lasted approximately 4 hours which was fairly respectable. Perhaps not that short, yet I still felt within my comfort zone.

10. Always open the door for your female date, men!! - Nevaeh Charlie
Guys.. if you ever remember one thing.. always offer to open the door for your date! Its traditional and respected and you can never go wrong. Don't overdo it.. just be natural. Its worse when you DON'T do it. My date didn't on several occasions, and neither did my previous one. Yes I know its 21st century, but its a big black mark in my book. Simply courtesy marks the beginning of most healthy relationships.

Well, in general. My date went well. Almost textbook. And he even mailed me the next day, but with not much mention on whether he enjoyed his date or not which is slightly peculiar. We shall see...

Decent proposal?

2009-12-17T18:13:00.004Z

A guy who'd been sniffing round my profile for the past few months actually emailed me basically offering me the chance to go shopping associated with several Sex and the City. Also offered fine wine dining and such.

Is this what all girls want these days? Informally I enjoy shopping on my own, and like to be taken to restaurants, but not the pretentious ones who focus on presentation rather than taste and overcharge for the privilege. Essentially we'd love it if our men took us on these trips, but as an offer from a complete stranger? Whenever money is involved, there is a tie.. its almost as if you owe someone and do you want that on your conscience?

Turns out quite a few girls do.. i emailed back asking how many people he had sent that to. His answer? It was a serious offer..

Bizarro Responso

2009-12-17T17:59:00.002Z

So I was engaging in a few mundane emails consisting of the usual discussion surrounding profile based interests. I decide that after a few mails it would be easier to email him from my email address.. he appears to be fairly normal, educated and so forth. So I do so.

I then receive a very bizarre response in the form of an email stating the following (not word for word)

Thanks for your response
I get suspicious the fact that you were the one to email me out of the several hundreds I have emailed
So suspicious that I have contacted the website team and reported you
Plus the fact you've given me details on where you work (my work details is my automated email signature)
I've had CRB checks done several years ago so if the police are ever involved I will relinquish my computer to them. I will be innocent. You will be prosecuted.
If you ever try to do this again I will report you
I know who you are

So he wonders why he hasn't managed to get many responses from girls.. perhaps trying to refrain from threatening them was the key...

Due to the seemingly high volumes of psychos on match I may be taking a break..

Chemistry - the theory behind it

2009-12-11T23:25:00.003Z

When people harp on about chemistry in the midst of dating, what exactly do they mean?

Chemistry is so fickle, but essentially you either have it, or not, and to be honest, it is heavily dependent on characters and mindset. Chemistry perhaps is the catalyst towards the development of a relationship, however that catalyst has the potential to burn out very quickly, or be a catalyst for something which is not quite so much desired.

I've been on a few dates now.. well with at least 2-3 different people in the last few months. One of them I had genuine chemistry with, but unfortunately as quickly as the passion exploded, it ended and I believe although chemistry was still present, our personalities, prejudices and so forth acted as a blocker, or inhibitor for the catalyst, hence the reaction burned out. The rest.. zero chemistry. Things in common? I didn't fancy them. They both had interesting things to say however.

As I've read a few profiles, some people blatantly have a 'type' and are very specific in what they want, compared to others who simply don't have one. Do people believe that they are more likely to have chemistry with their 'type' as they will be physically attracted to them?

Chemistry can be interpreted differently between a couple.. in order for it to exist, it needs to be mutual. One person claiming to have chemistry with the other alone is not enough for the definition I believe.

So putting my chemistry theory to the test I have decided to ask a person I don't know on match out for a spontaneous meet to determine whether chemistry is present or not. No conversational foreplay or pre-discussions.. just.. meet. We shall see the results. In fact I've done this before. No success with chemistry, yet very intelligible conversations.

My second attempt will be to go out on a second date with someone I believed I had no chemistry with.. will see how that goes. Will the chemistry develop in a timely manner..? Will keep you posted!

Match of the day

2009-12-05T21:25:00.004Z

I'm not sure how useful this system is. For those of you completely in the dark about match.com, the creators have devised a system whereby on a near daily basis they somehow pick, according to similarities in interests etc, a list of 5 potential matches.

I find this system useless.

Reasons for the matches, you get quotes like,

Like you, he's a night owl

Like you, he wants kids some day

Like you, he doesn't smoke

Great.. thats all we have in common? Oh, yes, there is also geographic region.. but seriously, I don't think I've ever even had a mutual communication with any of my match of the days. In my first few days of match I thought it was a great system and winked or even emailed a few, but due to lack of responses from those i'm vaguely interested in, I think its fairly pointless. Plus plenty of these people have no pictures. No pictures usually equals something to hide. If you're taking this seriously.. display yourself! Having discussed this with someone else, people worry about anonyminity.. ie, someone spotting them on match and then taking the piss out of them. Possible.. but they would only be able to see you if they were on match themselves.. and they pay money to do that. That's a lot of effort really..

So back to match of the day... you scroll through your selected matches, then pick 'yes', 'no' and 'maybe'.They are then put into a list, and the site encourages you to contact your yesses. Is it truly a successful way of meeting someone on match or have i just had a poor experience? Let me know..

Sudden cold feet

2009-12-05T19:42:00.002Z

Well, I've managed to lose two of my guys in a day. Went on a first date with clever travel guy today, which went fine, but when you have zero chemistry and you realise he's instantly not your type, it all becomes such an effort. I left after a few hours, kinda hoping to arrange to meet up with the funny guy who was really keen to meet me.

Having texted him saying I was free this evening, he sent the strangest response saying that although he found me attractive and interesting, he established that he was more after casual than anything. All I proposed was drinks, not marriage!! I guess that many people on match assume that everyone is essentially expecting the latter, which is true in most cases, but still, how can you even do casual if there is no attraction? Perhaps he's on the wrong online dating site.. isn't that what sites like Be Naughty is for? At least half of participants are looking for NSA - no strings attached, casual encounters. So blatant enough for men to proudly display their penises as the main profile image.

So back to the sudden cold feet.. I was still rather confused, and from my experience of men who seem undecided from the word go, tried to call, got a switch to voicemail, then decided to give him the 'nevermind' message. Really not bothered.. all i wanted was to go for drinks on a saturday night with some intelligible conversation! Some may applaud him for laying the cards down before we met, but seriously, it just suddenly turned too complex for my liking.. although he was asking for casual, it was now anything but.

Establishing and maintaining the virtual relationship

2009-12-03T22:48:00.003Z

So I've figured that there are a variety of modalities in finally meeting someone in person on match. In my experience

Someone you started emailing rapidly while you were both online one night. You ended up chatting the next day and felt so comfortable with each other that you were gazing into each other's eyes few days later.
Someone you started emailing daily or slightly less. Took a slightly longer while for someone to throw out their personal email, yet the phone conversation started within a week and plans are made to meet in person
Someone you emailed because.. well.. they seemed vaguely interesting, but it took a while for fluid responses / banter, and because you've kept in contact for so long it would be a travesty not to meet because they're now the equivalent of your friend on facebook.

At present I have about 4 regular contacts on match. One was dropped a couple days ago.. which is another post I will write. Meet

1. Professional guy - lives in middle class area, well spoken, late 30s. Not incredibly attracted to his photograph, but we have quite intelligible conversations. I nearly let him go for the guy I subsequently dropped, but luckily he responded saying we should still keep in touch, hence I threw my number in for good measure after about a month and we had quite a lovely phone conversation.

2. Random funny guy - he winked at me, I enjoyed his profile because it was blatantly honest and funny so I winked back, and we've done the short course banter thing, hopefully leading to some drinks later this week. We had a phone conversation after a day or so which also went well, so who knows. I discussed this with my friend earlier saying that he wasn't really my type.. then she asked what my type was... ie.. I don't really have a specific type.. apart from the guys that I have to chase or result in being somewhat psychotic.

3. Clever travel guy - again, I nearly let him go for the dropped guy. He actually reminds me of my ex boyfriend visually, but after a phone conversation which, again, went well, I'm not so convinced about him, but we will be spending some face to face time later this week.

4. Out of town guy - so he doesn't live in London, but he has a similar profession to me. We emailed for a bit, but then I decided (while i was into the dropped guy) that he was slightly too quirky for me. I didn't respond to an email and then a week later he wrote to me again which was actually quite welcomed. I'm not looking for someone who lives in a different city from me.. my long term relationship was long distance, and i didn't quite enjoy the travelling although it wasn't any more than 2-3hrs.

Bet you're intrigued about 'dropped guy'. He embodied everything I'd fucked up in my previous relationships, yet I still went knowingly panting like a dog. It all began and ended within a mere week. Theoretically we're still friends.. but as I said, that's for another post.

None of these guys I'm overly excited about which is a good thing for me because it means I definitely won't be doing anything rash and it gives me time to get to know them. All of them sound relatively decent and they're completely different in their own ways. I wonder how my interpretation of them will change on encounter. And on one more note; those that keep in contact indepedently (ie when i sometimes get slack for one reason or another), will maintain connections (apart from clever travel guy.. who is kinda losing points now..). I definitely respect that. Dropped guy had that great habitual nature of texting occasionally, and even calling when i travelled to europe for a bit. I do that to people I care about, and having it returned to you in kind is deeply appreciated.

Bienvenidos a Matchblog. Soy Nevaeh Charlie.

2009-12-03T20:29:00.002Z

Ok.. it has the same name as this site, which evidently didn't go far, despite its delectable Chilean background, but it bears few similarities.

Depending on the lifespan of this blog, I intend to collate my thoughts, feelings, entice discussion, poke holes at theories and advice on other site, and anything else relating to the 21st century phenomenon known as online dating.

There have been a few of these sites in the past, however they haven't really lasted long. Perhaps they found their true love and felt no need to speculate, over-analyse and reflect any longer. To be honest I believe this is the time when you SHOULD be doing this.. learning does not end when you think you've found it.. its the beginning of the journey.

I intend to be here for a while.. well at least for a year, because that's how long I anticipate being part of match.com.

Although I will be focusing on match I will also be discussing other websites that I may or may not be a member of. This journal will ideally enable me to create a theory, formula, or even to identify a pattern which continually slips me up! Hence why being utterly single in my mid twenties. Yes, I've been out with a few people in the past year and even had a long term relationship, but recently, ie. when I want it more, its even more difficult to find the right person.

A wise, (or several wise, or even I may have said this once!), person said,

"You don't find love, love finds you"

"You will find love in the least expected place and time"

"Why are you still single? What's wrong with you?"

This was one of my semi-nightmares when growing up. All I wanted was one person to love me for who I am..I'm not the most abnormal person in the world, but I am fairly unique I like to think, in my own ways. Plenty of people find me physically attractive, but then for whatever reasons, things don't work out. Perhaps because I throw my heart and soul into a relationship when it starts instead of playing the games that surely keeps a man.. allegedly. Others basically end in me being rather fickle, bored, or most recently.. slapped!

I'm not a bunny boiler, clingy, or a SaTC wannabe. I'm just a woman, hoping to find the right man. Its what every girl wants, right?